am i doin' the rite decision in life??

hmm.. dis post started dengan mengeluh dulu..

like for days, i still considering about my hardest decision in life ni.. cam tak boleh blah plak..

dis is regarding my current job..

walaupun dis is like a p n c post, but i shall reveal jer la.. no offence pun..

just need some ideas from kawan2 becoz i really confuse about wut is happening in my life rite now.. bukan confuse la, tapi lebih kepada how am i going to live after dis.. 1st pun sebab i am a workaholic person.. 2nd sebab my income will stop n i tak boleh takder income.. really..

i started to join selepas di-terminate-kan 1-month notice from one of the private university kat shah alam ni.. join dis company pun, selepas diajak oleh my colleague dat time yang berjaya dapat position kat situ.. actually, datang just cuba nasib n surprisely got the job as a private assistant to director.. started to work as soon as possible, lebih2 lagi selepas kebingungan selama 1-2 weeks after the notice..

my journey here started.. with a basic of 16 n takleh dapat more than that disebabkan i have no experience for like admin jobs.. agreed n started.. keje permulaan tak banyak la.. more about learning.. application for getting foreign worker, fore-cast the collection.. like after 1 month, i already knew that my admin nak resign due to her hubby keje pindah randah ikut projek, but she still in klang valley lagi..

she started to do part-time.. i have to take over her jobs slowly.. i didn't say, she's an account too kan.. luckily the Above has given me skills as a fast-learner to adapt n get going dengan cepat.. i have to manage the basics in general admin jobs, handle hr problems n matters, preparing payroll for foreign workers, handle the cash flow including chqs in n out records.. my admin pun kalau dia masuk office, like 2 days in a week when she gets home from outstation following her hubby la.. memula memang semput sket, but all are controllable n manageable.. i berjaya buat with less mistakes..

soon, i got my confirmation while my fren yang rekemen tu still has hanging confirmation.. however, after confirm, i didn't manage to get any increment.. pasrah jer dengan reason of the economic situation yang worsen, which already started in sept'08.. lagipun, my attendance record is bad sebab selalu datang lambat.. that is my mistake for a month, which i quickly repair before the things became worse before my confirmation.. tu pun, ada relate jugak dengan buat keje ofis la sket.. i accept the reason with my willing to change it all, so that i can improve my salary soon during the increment season..

soon, my admin fully resign on dec'08, which forced by the stress given by the account side.. starting on jan'09, i have to handle everything by my ownself, without any assistants..

dis time around, i am not only the pa {which i never think of as a pa}.. i also become the admin, account, hr n managing from the smallest until the biggest thing yang takder orang lain boleh buat keje tu.. dari sekecik2 filing, sampai la ke documentation n the most important part ialah gaji all staffs.. as per said before, the Above granted me the skills of fast-learner to learn n apply cepat for everything yang diperlukan ni..

tengah bulan jan'09, my kawan tu dah diminta cari keje lain due to her poor performance n lack of co-operation between colleagues.. di samping kantoi buat personal during works, delaying the operation for sales department n delaying the reports asked by the boss.. after the resignation, all figured out she's a bad apple n enuf said here..

in jan'09, my conflicts began with baru blaja camner nak buat gaji local yang ada epf, socso, pcb, advance, loan, upl n late deductions.. ader jugak outstation n handphone allowance n ot jugak.. benda baru sebab i never hands-on with dis all.. jan'09, cny is in jan.. gaji termasuk dengan bonus which worsen me for doing the pcb deduction.. the late decision from the boss telah menyebabkan i'm rushing to pay the salary yang release awal dari sepatutnya.. my account kat sp siap courier the chq books for me to prepare the chqs n get the bosses' signatures before couriering them back for the bank-in purpose.. in here plak, i have to deposit thru counters alone for the chinese to get theirs first before followed by the malays.. itu pun dah kene taruh jugak dengan my sr yang tak memahami my bizziness dalam kehidupan seharian di ofis..

okey, the daily works shall include the recording of chqs in n out yer.. besides handling petty cash, handling the leaves record n the filing of so many stuffs.. oh yer, in jan'09 jugak ader eksiden happen in kilang during ot menyebabkan i have to work out on the insurance claim.. keje yang leceh n menyusahkan.. the victim ni dok berkampung beberapa hari jugak la kat sjmc..

in feb'09, suma production dok bising2 pasal tak dapat baju n safety boots yang rupanyer kene bagi once a year masa awal tahun.. baru jugak tau about kewujudan pay leaves n record cuti yang dibawa depan atau burn bila tak utilize.. during dis time, i already close with my sr becoz he's there n he has the experience which i don't have.. including urusan pertukaran permit lori to the company's name n petronas subsidy diesel things.. slalunyer pun, kalau ader masalah admin pun, i will refer to him most of the time sebab he has more experience in admin than me..

finally, i met my sr during our makan2 kat ofis sempena cny.. dressed up with tight kebaya, i accompanied him all the days he'd been here, while me sebok2 menyiapkan gaji foreign worker that time.. tambah2 plak, all the chinese dah mabuk2 gitu, hanya we both malays yang ada di office sebab suma melayu lain dah balik after refusing to eat the halal's food kat jamuan tu..

in march'09, kelewatan renewing permit n visa for the foreign workers.. fomema pun buat last minute n everything is in a rush.. menyebabkan the boss terpaksa berkampung kat immegresen putrajaya to settle.. dis time, i learned to write surat rayuan yang membolehkan kompaun dikurangkan n berjaya diselesaikan.. dis time around, sorang telah dihantar balik disebabkan health problems n another one ialah abangnyer yang tak puas hati dengan jumlah ot yang sedikit..

oh, during dis pun, my account dok mintak ea forms from me.. apa tu ea forms pun i tak tau.. apatah lagi nak prepare plak.. work-out cari gaji setiap orang n kira2 before preparing the ea forms untuk they declare.. borang e memang tak sempat nak buat lah.. orang di sana la terpaksa buat..

in apr'09, during my visit to sp, one day before my birthday, dikejutkan dengan lori company yang mati roadtax dah 2 minggu di batu pahat.. kene saman n kene masuk court.. the worst thing could happen dat time ialah permit boleh ditarik balik n lori tu dah tak boleh on the road lagi.. during dat time, i myself dah pucat sangat risau about dis.. luckily my sr guide me n tak takut sangat about dis.. rupanya i baru tau yang road tax, insurance n puspakom date for lorries mostly lain2.. i never know about dis sebab i pun tak aware la sebab takder keter sendiri lagi, hari2 pakai kete pinjam kan..

in may'09, ader back-to-back increment.. dis time, i have no increment at all.. again, with the reason of economy.. hampa jugak with dis, but i just accept jer.. i've seen during dis time, ader yang dapat increment pun blah jugak sebab tak puas hati or dapat keje baru.. kecik jugak hati ni sebab macam2 dah buat untuk cover my attendance mistake, tapi tak dapat increment jugak.. pity jugak my sr sebab he's like me, buat macam2 tapi takder increment.. i just not pitying myself, tapi i pun pity him jugak.. but maybe he just don't know n don't care.. i still continue on my jobs seperti biasa n alone..

oh yer, during may'09 jugak i ader pi attend bengkel akta kerja in kuala selangor.. on the same day, our petronas account tak masuk duit seperti sepatutnya n resulted that the lorries takder duit nak pakai minyak.. diorang terpaksa bercatu2 jugak untuk fill up, sebab my boss kat johor, i'm in kuala selangor, both lorries kat seremban takder banyak cash in hands n petty cash takder banyak cash n tak dapat nak tolong topup manually here.. end up, my half day kat workshop tu berkecamuk memikirkan masalah ni n my sr terpaksa help to settle again..

doesn't really remember about my other2 months selepas tu.. but still a lot of things happen in between la.. penah jugak i cry alone myself kat office sebab tak tahan all the workload dumped on me.. dat time, i dah lama tak kontek my admin sebab she once rejecting my call n off fon terus when i really need helps regarding dis admin things.. she tried to get me to call her again, but i just silence.. ever since, i took everything alone n apaper yang tak leh buat, i seek help from my boss n sr to figure out the way while me solving the problems..

in july'09, i remembered to advertise manually about the vacancies in all over nearby kawasan perumahan.. i used my whole saturday evening merayap to klang sentral, meru, puncak alam n saujana utama to post up the vacancies.. on the day i went out to miti n cimb trade finance centre, i have to rush back to the office, as i have to interview my future assistant sendiri.. she's the first candidate n i chose her to be mine since that day, which she reported to me on the next day..

all my filing jobs excellently done by her.. suma keje2 remeh, i passed to her to do.. while she settle keje2 tertangguh selama 4-5 bulan tu, i still do keje yang remeh di samping the more complicated ones..

we shifted from manual deposit salary to advance on rhb ehr system.. by this, all are online n i do not required to be in counter anymore.. before dis can be used, i am the one yang dok bawak diorang pi rhb klang to open account suma.. until one day, my leg terseliuh kuar dari rhb n the driver terpaksa drive my kancil to the office.. oh, dis time my assistant tak wujud lagi la.. dis opening account ada masalah, when they need the biometric verification yang hanya boleh didapati from readable mykad.. still, ada yang terpaksa buat mykad baru untuk enjoy dis facilities.. during the system shift to rhb reflex cash management, i have to go the hq in kl to attend a course on applying the new system yang use token for the identification.. sesat barat jugak disebabkan my penunjuk arah bagi direction salah.. terpaksa parking jer keter kat area kl sentral n take taxi to the place n lewat setengah jam jugak.. in the end, tak la susah sangat pun.. cuma leceh jer.. haha..

during bonus raya in sept'09, i thought my case is different from the others.. tapi my bonus sama jer ngan orang lain yang non-productive tu.. lagi skali hampa sebab i worked really hard, but still my rewards is the same with the others.. during dis pun, my monthly claim kene hold sekejap becoz the amount is too high.. 3k for 5 months.. tapi kalau diikutkan pun, my claims before dis cam 2k plus for 4 months, 1k plus for 2-3 months.. sebenarnya, equal la tu.. cuma sebab nampak amount banyak kan, terus my milage claim cut n i have to claim by petrol receipt plak.. hancur berderai jugak la my heart dat time sebab all dis while, i tak penah berkira pasal all pergerakan ni.. daily jobs pun, just record jer milage n sampai masa, baru claim sebab takder masa nak tulis claim tu suma.. masa nak raya dat all dis happen.. dah rasa tak syok..

mungkin nak amik hati or wut, i got my hamper raya during my shopping with the boss untuk beli hamper raya for the customer.. dapat jugak offer to get baju raya, but i decline sebab baju yang ader during shopping tu either terlalu mahal atau not my taste..

sebelum raya is my last month visiting sp office.. dis time, bukan pi saje2.. with mission on bawak balik file n taking over miti/mida/mof application jobs yang akan ditinggalkan once the pic resign.. dis jobs, until now i takleh handle.. taking baby steps to understand n at the same time, the application is urgent dan kene buat gaji.. rasa nak muntah jugak la dikejekan benda ni.. til now, i still tak berjaya keeping proper records to handle all dis.. only me jer yang tau which n wut to find wut's i've been doing rite now..

berjaya jugak dapat approval from mof dengan kuantiti yang sket jer.. terpaksa pi mof putrajaya to get the approval exemption letter yang urgently kene pakai dat time..

pas raya, ader masalah epermit yang delay approval of permit application to import barang.. ala2 nyer, barang dah sampai kat kastam, tapi takleh clear sebab kastam lom approve the application.. dis all things tak penah happen during the resigned staff sebab her jobs only doing that, while me, a multi-tasking person dok in n out buat banyak benda untuk company..

we did a lot of fund transfer, so i always needed to go to the home branch banks.. our foreign worker pun dok sakit jer, me jugak terpaksa bawak pi klinik.. disebabkan my boss decide to provide food for the production when they ot sampai kol 10 pm daily, me jugak terpaksa pi beli barang2 mentah for the stock selepas cam rugi beli nasi bungkus yang diorang tak makan sangat jugak pun.. terpaksa jugak melayan my account yang bukan2 dok mengharap i pi settle keje dia untuk deal ngan bank, which is absolutely not my job.. tak termasuk lagi suka nak over-write my jobs as admin yang mungkin dia nak jadi admin kot..

petrol claims tak banyak dapat la.. soon, malas jer nak claim sebab amount sket jer pun n cam tak berbaloi.. cuma, leh cover sket jer la kalau nak beli2 barang ke apa..

dec'09, i really need my breaks from all the office stuffs.. having my vacation in langkawi with sekolah maktam with full of calls.. my assistant pun ader yang tak familiar with the things, so i terpaksa make sure she can catch-up with those to ease both sides.. rasanyer, i'm the busiest la.. satu2 nyer time fon tu tak berbunyi ialah masa kat kilim geoforest park, di mana takder line kat situ.. aman sangat.. dat time, i know.. i need sum time, yang tak pikir pasal ofis langsung.. n i really need 1 hari yang i tak perlu pikir pasal ofis n orang2 di ofis, which i never get selepas i dah sebok keje ni.. sudahnyer, the next day after reach shah alam, terpaksa masuk ofis n settle beberapa benda sebelum menyambung cuti lagi.. memang tak senang la ni, tapi terpaksa becoz i don't want to start my week with hectics..

later, i faced the late transfer of fund to the salary's account.. menyebabkan terpaksa withdraw cash of 40k n bank-in manually kat cash deposit machine kat bukit raja.. my lunch terpaksa tunda.. my dinner terpaksa delay to make sure all staffs yang ada rhb accounts receive their money dat nite.. seperti biasa, i have to rush for mida jugak before tu n thus, delayed the salary things..

jan'10.. i rasa sangat penat.. i've done a lot, but not treated equally.. basic tak naik, the same 16 from the ordinary pa until dah jadi extra-ordinary pa ni.. milage claim dah kene stop, kene pakai petrol claim yang tak banyak dapat tu.. dah jadi cam kuli foreign worker plak.. dengar lagi si siti tu dok mengadu straight about me to uncle kalau ada apaper, walaupun kesalahan tu daripada pihak dia.. but i guess, i am underpaid yang dah lama sangat.. kecik jugak hati bila orang yang baru confirm ni naik gaji senang jer tapi yang dah lama contribute n tak bising ni, cam tak dihargai plak..

akhir dec'09 n awal jan'10, i am quite busy with a lot of things.. i really takder masa nak melayan kerenah foreign worker ni.. i takder masa sangat nak pi buat keje2 ofis di luar ofis hour.. i've done a lot, tapi cam takder apaper kan..

i really sayang my job.. becoz the boss let me hands-on myself.. i can decide wut, when n where everything.. but becoz of dis unsatisfaction, i have to decide on my future.. my mum pun dah penat with me becoz i am too busy n cam takder masa nak dok umah.. nama jer serumah, tapi batang hidung pun susah nak jumpa.. my dad asked to wait for the bonus n quickly hand the resign letter.. but i myself pun dah teramat penat..

i got my bonus of 2-months salary.. in my office here, there's only two to get the highest yang salah satunya is me.. but i guess, this cannot replace what i suppose to get all those months.. my energy, time, thinking n skills yang tak di-reward equally tu.. just like i citer banyak with my sr.. he too felt a lot of my frustration walaupun pada masa yang sama, he is too the same situation as me..

i left the resign letter on the desk before heading home.. but my heart tak tenteram.. my sr marah jugak la sebab all dis while, he's the one stopping me to resign but i just followed my parents.. the next day, terpaksa mengadap jugak la berjam2.. the boss thought about the bonus n they explained a lot about my top performance.. the thing is i am not the one yang cause trouble or the boss does not satisfy about my performance, but i am the one yang nak resign sendiri.. she wanted to increase my salary to 2k, but i just don't think it's enough to cover all dat.. nak propose on the car allowance ke, company car ke apa.. lessen my job sebab i've done a lot of my non-job scope sekarang ni.. n she asked me to stay n think about it..

when informed to my parents, they asked me to proceed.. when informed to my sr, he asked me to stop n wait.. i am just too tired to handle.. kalau nak increase salary pun rasanyer, i still want to walk away la.. seorang anak yang terpaksa ikut permintaan parent nyer, i meet again to say that i proceed on my plan, dan bukannya proceed to stay back.. with reason better offer, tapi sebenarnya i have no awaiting jobs yang confirmed.. she has to accept my decison, but request to stay until getting a new replacement for me..

soon after giving my decision, informed my sr about dat n he has a talk with the boss.. he managed to deliver whatever that i have in mind yang tak dapat nak diluahkan straight to the boss.. about my long dissapointments.. about the workload.. i also did a lot of complicated things other than simple n instructed jobs.. tak masuk lagi ngan all the urgent things n rush everytime.. he said they can pay me up to 25 pun, but kenapa dis thing tak penah appear in front of me sebelum i put my letter.. realizing my underpay, but done nothing to take care of me.. yes, i am matured enough i didn't protest.. but they have to realize, besides my sr, i pun buat banyak benda yang orang lain tak buat kat ofis tu.. if they already hint atau naikkan whenever they want regarding my salary tu, nobody will know pun n i pun takder nak kecoh apa pun..

kalau production buat hal, cepat2 jer nak revise gaji.. kalau foreign worker pun sama jugak.. orang yang takder experience n dok men game jer kat ofis n tak perform pun, dapat gaji higher than me seorang runner ni.. but me.. cam takder inisiatif apa pun.. adakah sebab i tak bising pasal gaji, then neglecting me?? adakah if i tak kuarkan letter, so continue ignoring me??

my sr once penah advice.. to give a resign letter, kene firm.. bukan setakat nak ugut untuk dapat naik gaji or dapat title, dat is not my intention.. i admit that i learned a lot here.. not only for office knowledge, untuk life knowledge pun banyak jugak.. see, my car pun protest takmo datang keje sampai kene overhaul segala.. my car pun kene ader maintenance jugak as mine yang paling banyak bergerak n buat keje ofis..

in order for me not to resign, i got many offers in reducing my workloads n tambah gaji yang tak banyak tu n mungkin ada elaun yang entah la dapat ke tak.. i myself pun risau jugak sebab takder confirm job lagi ni.. i really scared terputus my money source.. sebab tu i work real hard to earn my own money n tak berharap kat parents semata2..

actually, kalau dah dapat hint or anything.. i takkan ader masalah nak stay lah.. mungkin sampai 3-4 tahun lagi pun takkan bising.. but the underpay things.. gaji yang p n c, takkan i nak request plak.. my sr yang suara nyer didengari lebih terpaksa untuk menyedarkan my boss regarding this.. macam supposely my other boss call me up ke apa about dis, tapi mungkin he just straight akan meet me to talk kot.. he too got shocked bila dapat tau pasal ni kan.. apatah lagi yang lelain tu.. terutamanya, yang dok buli2 i yang takder la besar sangat masalahnyer tu.. hmm..

tapi sekarang cam tengah bingung jugak.. my sr penah highlite about my mistake in resigning.. tak discuss dulu n terus bagi letter.. pas discuss pun, i terus decide to proceed my resigning.. tapi dalam masa yang sama, takder keje n kene jadi menganggur dulu.. so far, i got 3 invitations for interview.. my 1st is okey.. macam ada harapan n hopefully, boleh dapat.. my 2nd kene reject dah n macam dah ada banyak petunjuk before sampai pun.. my 3rd is actually the 1st but i terpaksa reject even though hanya interview sebab redang tu jauh sangat.. walaupun the manager keeps calling me on the same day to make me considering my declining answer tu.. but i think, i want to wait for this.. if he gets to talk to me for one more time after cakap takmo call dah ni, i will say yes to the interview yang rasanyer cam terus dapat keje tu sebenarnya..

but rezeki Above tu ada di mana2 sahaja.. my parents asked me to rest at home sementara nak start balik keje baru nanti.. ader jugak nanti orang dalam yang nak submit my resume nanti tu pun, mungkin ada harapan kalau ada vacancy kot.. but sampai bila nak bergantung kepada parents n family kan bila dah takder income nanti ni.. setakat ni, i've done my istikharah for nites to get the signs from the Above.. semoga dipermudahkan pekerjaan seterusnya ni for me.. n i will be more close to the Above n tak bersifat sementara harapnyer.. sementara tu, kene berusaha dengan lebih gigih lagi dan tak putus asa dengan janji-Nya la.. mungkin i pun dah jauh daripada-Nya selama ni kot n kurang perhatian n kurang menjaga hubungan dengan-Nya..

semoga dipermudahkan jalan bagiku ini.. semoga aku akan sentiasa dapat menjaga hubungan-Mu melebihi dengan manusia selain dari ibu bapaku ya Allah.. permudahkanlah urusan hamba-Mu ini.. ameen..